The path to becoming whole, authentic and free is one many have traveled before me. I am certain I am not the first nor the last women in my mid-thirties who is finally feeling like myself. Sounds weird but, I feel like I have been searching for me since my adolescence. Who I thought I was had been defined by my family, friends and up bringing.
The majority of my adolescence was spent in the comforts of four walls that kept me safe. Safe from heartache, safe from adventure and safe from the world. After high school I forged a path that took me to Europe but, I quickly got lost in trying to fit in amongst my peers.
Traveling around the world all before my twenty-second birthday left me wondering who I was and what I believed. I had no sense of self and found myself becoming a chameleon. My colors would change depending on who I was hanging with and how I was “feeling” at the time.
I still have many moments of slip ups. My mouth sometimes says things before I have time to think about them. Sometimes I even struggle with opening my mouth and inserting my foot.
Occasionally days like today I have these moments of shear confidence, joy and contentment in my own skin.
After a late night at the ball field we had to rise early for our annual family pictures before I needed to rush off to work. My son woke chatty and I surprisingly did not feel the need to be selfish. I quietly listened as I sipped my coffee. I began to get ready and when my husband woke he began to complain. I did not feel irritable or annoyed… I internally chuckled and prayed. I finished getting ready myself and grabbed my husband his morning caffeine fix and I thanked God for my family… corks and all.
As my son and I drove together we listened to music, chatted and laughed. I prayed for his heart and surrendered him back to God (my new daily prayer).
These moments as ordinary and simple have been on my mind a lot lately.
It’s in these moments that I have an opportunity to be thankful and love on my family.
I am learning to fear less and trust more.
I am learning I do not always have to say something and sometimes I need to just be still and be thankful for all the blessings in my life.
Do I have the prefect marriage?
Nope.
Am I blessed with a loving hardworking husband?
Yep!
Do I have the perfect son?
Nope.
Am I blessed to be apart of this little humans life?
Yep!
Am I at my goal weight?
Nope.
Have I made process in my health and fitness journey?
Yep!
I will NEVER have it all together but, if I keep leaning into this contentment and confidence I can only get better… like a fine wine *grin*
I think we have to stop comparing our families, lives, marriages and journeys to others.
I think we have to start living in the sweet spot of where God has us in our life.
I think we have to sit back and let life happen just a little bit.
This means believing in the love of my husband even when I am struggling internally with myself. This means trusting and believing I am NOT failing as a mom even though I might be feeling like a failure. This means not giving up on myself and my dreams. This means my continued resolve to release myself of others expectations. This means focusing on building healthy relationships with my husband, son, friends and community. This means extending grace to myself and others.
And most importantly this means owning who I am flaws and all!
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